PSA (Public Service Announcement or Personal Self-Awareness)

It's not Father's Day yet, so I'm writing a post that's aimed at being preventative rather than responsive.  Let's strike a bargain, okay?  Tomorrow, just tomorrow, let's be okay with people praising their fathers, grandfathers, uncles, or any other person who filled this role as a praiseworthy role model in the absence of a traditional father.  Let's not tell them in the midst of their happy remembrances and grateful, thankful hearts, that they are doing this wrong.  Let's not rebuke and correct them and suggest that the "appropriate" way to celebrate this holiday is to remember the pain of so many others who didn't have a father in their lives.  Because what we are telling them is that you shouldn't be thinking about your father or that wonderful person who stepped in to be that "father, you should be thinking about me -- my lack of a father, my pain at his absence, me, me, me.  That pain and those conversations should take place.  You should absolutely be able to pour out your vulnerability and your brokenness and your hurt -- and those conversations can and should be taking place throughout the calendar year.  But let's just hold back enough to resist the urge to shame people for being happy on this day -- because their happiness is actually a good thing, and it doesn't encroach or deny your legitimate sadness at your lack of a good (or present) father.  We would never respond to a husband's post thanking his wife for 10 years of wedded bliss by reminding him that on his wedding anniversary he really ought to be thinking of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce.  I have friends who are broken-hearted in the midst of their infertility, but they never post on those newborn hospital pics "Just remember, we'll never have this joy."  Because they understand, they are self-aware enough, to realize "this isn't actually about me."  So, please, please, please, let's pursue having those conversations about how an absent father or an abusive father hurt us, but let's not do so by shaming others who are simply doing a good thing by giving honor to whom honor is due. They aren't doing it to hurt me or you.  Actually, they aren't doing it for us at all.  Because... it's not about us.  Although we really, really want it to be.  So let's just let it be about someone else.  It's good for us to acknowledge that we're not the center of the universe 100% of the time, truly it is.